Uberventure – Dalmatia Flemming

Uberventure – Dalmatia Flemming

 A trickle of sweat ran down Brad’s forehead.  He wiped it off with his forearm.  “There was something really wrong with that driver” Brad said.

 “He was really giving me the creeps.” Dianne said.  “I’m glad you gave him an extra fifty just so that we could get out of his car, even though now we’re out in the middle of … who knows where.  It was worth it though.  We have GOT to report him to Uber.”

 “ … Yeah …” Brad said, his voice trailing off.

 Brad had become distracted by a large house half way up the rocky desert hillside.  It looked to be a fine example of a mid-century modern mansion.  The whole side of the house facing them was a wall of glass. The setting sun was reflecting off the windows obscuring what was inside.  But Brad could tell that a large party was in progress.

 “Look at that house Dianne” Brad said, pointing in its direction.  “I don’t think they’d even notice if two extra people showed up.”

 “… Wow … look at that … it’s beautiful with the light shining on it like that.” … “Yeah, let’s go” Dianne said.

 Brad and Dianne commenced on what would be a 20 minute stroll along a gently curving road integrated into the hillside.

 They could hear faint voices and laughter so they knew they were getting close.  As they rounded the curve to the front of the house, an exquisitely manicured desert-scaped yard came into view, complete with a large kidney bean shaped pool.  Revelers were spilling out from the house into the yard and long driveway.  There were 5 garages, each one with its door open and each containing a different high end sports car, except for an SUV in the garage closest to the house.

 Brad and Dianne walked in a little closer.  They could now see that the house appeared to be built into the hillside.  At one end of the house was a huge boulder that looked to be piercing the glass; both inside and outside of the house at the same time and surrounded by glass on all sides.

 “Is this cool or what” Brad said.

 “This is definitely cool” answered Dianne.

 “Let’s go in” Brad said.

 They were greeted by a domestic at the front door.  “Welcome to Dr. and Mrs. Einstein’s house.  Please come in and make yourself at home.”

 “Thank you” Brad said.  He stepped aside, put his arm around Dianne’s waist and whispered in her ear “Dr. and Mrs. Einstein, how intriguing” as they entered the house.

 The house was jammed with people talking, laughing and dancing.  There was a bar in each corner of the huge living room.

 “Let’s get a drink” Brad said loudly to Dianne, making sure to face Dianne as he spoke and to accentuate his mouthing of the words.

 “OK” Dianne practically yelled back in his ear.

 They walked over to the closest bar and got in line.  As they looked around, they could tell that this group was in general, older than they were.  It was a boomer crowd.  The band was playing a lot of “hippy” music.  Brad and Dianne smiled at each other and started to attempt their best 60’s and 70’s dance moves.  A few characters walked by, saw them dancing and joined in for a few beats, then moved on.

 “This tops our previous plans, don’t you think” Brad yelled.

 “Sure does” Dianne yelled back, while doing her best Jerk.

 Brad and Dianne got their drinks and moved to a quieter spot to people watch.

 “Look at that guy over there” Brad said, discretely pointing to a man with wild, curly gray hair wearing a shirt with a physcodelic print and Birkenstock sandals.  “I’m guessing that’s Dr. Einstein.”

 … “Hmmm” … Dianne said … “but that woman standing next to him … do you think that’s his wife?”

 Standing next to the gray haired man was a short plump woman who looked to be about 20 years younger than the gray haired man.  She had short, dark hair and large studious looking black rimmed glasses.  Her dress had a crew neckline and was fitted to the waist, then flared out and hit her mid-calf.  She was wearing a long sleeved crew neck sweater which was only buttoned at the top button.  She wore a single string of pearls and she was wearing flats.

 … “Well … maybe he married one of his students; that happens a lot” Brad said.

 … “Yes … yes … Look over there.”  Dianne said as she gestured with her head to the right.

 There looked to be an informal tour of the house in progress.

 “Let’s get another drink and join in before they leave the room” Dianne said.

 Fresh drinks in hand, Brad and Dianne merged into the group from behind.

 Their informal tour guide did not look like the typical party reveler; she looked more like a real estate agent.  Turns out she was a docent from the local museum and also a friend of the family.

 The tour was very interesting; Dr. Einstein’s father, also a doctor, had commissioned the house to be designed by a famous architect who had left the big time to live and work in this desert town.  Before the elder Einstein settled down with who would later become the younger Dr. Einstein’s mother, he had a series of mistresses.  His favorite one wanted to have her own separate retreat space.  So the elder Einstein arranged for an addition to be made, adding a second story about one quarter of the length of the overall house to the western facing end.

 It was in this addition that Brad noticed a door with a large translucent glass insert.  He touched the door knob and very gently turned it.  It was unlocked.  The tour guide was starting to move on.  Brad grabbed Dianne’s arm and said, “Hey Dianne, this door’s unlocked.  Let’s go in.”

 Dianne, startled, turned to look at Brad’s face.  There was that mischievous grin again.  She was a sucker for that grin.  … “Well … OK”, Dianne answered.

 They waited a few seconds to let the rest of the group clear out and then entered the room.  Although there were plenty of windows, it was now dark outside and therefore inside as well.  They didn’t want to draw attention to themselves by turning on a light, so they stood there a little longer to let their eyes adjust.

 “What IS this … a lab?” Brad said.

“… Maybe … but there are things laid out … very precisely … and they have labels in front of them.”

 Brad and Dianne slowly walked around the room, looking at the carefully laid out items.  The tables were arranged end to end so as to lead one around like one was in a queue at a bank or airport.

 “… OK … this one is made out of stone and carved bone, with leather wrapped around it.  It says it’s Greek” Brad said.

 “This one is made from animal intestines.  It’s item number 16.  Does that one have a number?” Dianne said.

 “It’s number 9.”

 “… OK … so there is an order … how about these over here”.  Dianne moved ahead towards the other end of the room.

 “They appear to be some sort of tool.”  Brad said as he picked one up to show Dianne.  “This one looks like one of those things that you stick in the honey jar and then drizzle the honey all over your toast.”

 “Brad, put that down” Dianne said.  “I don’t think we should be touching them!”

 “Sorry … this one is silver with Ivory inlay … from India.”

 … “Wait a minute … this one, near the end … it’s electric … it’s number 211 … the rest of these are electric … the last one is number 217.  …   Oh My God!  Brad … these are self-pleasuring devices for women!”


 “Yes!  Yes, they are!  Can you go check to see if anyone is around?  I would like to turn on this small table lamp over here.”

 Brad walked over to the door, cracked it a little, peered out and said “the coast is clear.”

 Dianne turned on the small lamp.

 “Brad, look at this poster on the wall.”  Dianne studied the poster as Brad walked back over to her side of the room.  “General Electric Appliances … they made these appliances in this order … the tea kettle, toaster, sewing machine and fan … the fifth was a self-pleasuring device for women!”



 “That’s what these things are?”  Brad said.  “But, some of these are really old.  I mean, some of these are B.C.”

 Brad and Dianne looked at each other and started to laugh.

 “… Well then …” Dianne said.

 They laughed some more.

 “Brad, look at this poster of the founders of General Electric.  I think that our presumed Mrs. Einstein looks like she could be a descendant of this Mr. Coffin dude.”

 Brad walked up to the poster to study it. “ …Yes …yes, I can see the resemblance!”

 They looked at each other and started to laugh again.

 “So this is an extensive collection of female self-pleasuring devices” Brad said.  “And look” … Brad began to walk back through the collection, stopping to point out an example here and there … “just about every continent and era is represented!”

 “I know, well …” Dianne started to laugh hysterically.

 Then Brad did.

 “Wow! … Well, it all makes perfect sense then doesn’t it; the elder Dr. Einstein with his mistresses, the current Mrs. Einstein being a descendent from one of the Founders of General Electric who made these devices” Brad said.

 “How so?” ask Dianne.

 “I don’t know.  It just seems like a good summarizing statement, don’t you think?”  Brad said.

 “Yes Mr. Van de Brake”, Dianne said in her sexiest school girl voice as she pressed up against him and put her arms around his neck.

 “Careful now”, Brad said as he grabbed her around the waist, “or I will have to use one of these things on you.”

 Dianne screamed in mock horror, turned off the table lamp and began to run around the room.  “You’ll have to catch me first Mr. Van de Brake!”

 “Hey, not fair Dianne, I can’t see.”  Brad began to chase her though the maze of tables.  “Ooo … my knee” … “Whoa” … there was a loud crash, then silence.  … Oooooo! … Brad lifted his head from his prone position on his back on the floor to see that he had knocked a small wooden framed case with glass sides from the table, and it landed on his chest.  He carefully propped himself up on his elbows.  “Oh man, thank God I didn’t break it.”  Brad carefully got up and placed the case back on the table.

 Dianne came running over, “Are you OK?”

 “Yeah, I’m OK.”

 “Good save! … Sorry Brad, I guess I should behave myself in other people’s houses, especially when I don’t know them and I’m secretly checking out their extensive collection of self-pleasuring device for women.”

 “Yes Dianne, perhaps next time you will be better behaved.”

 Brad and Dianne gave each other a little platonic-like hug.

 … “But what is this” … Dianne peered through the window of the small wooden framed case and read …  ‘Cleopatra …  a hollowed out gourd … to be filled with angry bees’” …

 “Let’s see” … Brad said as he leaned in to have a look for himself.

 “Ooo” Dianne said.  “I think my phone is vibrating.”

 “Your phone is vibrating, ha ha, very funny Dianne” Brad said.

 “No, it is.”  Dianne answered her phone.  “It’s our 15 minute warning for a pick up.”

 “Oh, and we’re not there, we’re here.  Let’s get outta here.”

 Brad and Dianne cracked the door and peered out.  No one was around so they made their way back to the living room.  The party was still going full force.

 “Let’s get one more drink while we wait for our pick-up.” Dianne said.  “It’ll make all your aches and pains go away.”

 “Yeah, and give me some new ones for tomorrow morning” Brad said.

 “I’ll call Uber and make sure they have our correct location” Dianne said.

 “And I’ll go get the drinks” Brad said.


About bbcstudiowrites

This blog is me archiving the BBC Studio Writers Workshop.

Posted on April 19, 2016, in Fiction, Seattle, Short Stories. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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